Dear Mr. Clarkson,
I believe it is my duty as a Top Gear fan to write this letter to you, having recently witnessed an appalling advert on the telly for some retail establishment or other (one of the budget ones that sells beans for less than their carrier bags) - starring none other than your very own Richard Hammond. Have you seen it? Mr. Hammond appears to be pushing a trolley around the supermarket, and yet through the power of camera jiggery-pokery and modern day special effects we then see him and said trolley in such delightful and amusing scenarios as flying in a glider or perching atop bails of hay that are being dragged around by a tractor. It really is wonderful and wholesome and uncommonly cheesy. Why should you not have your lamb chops cut just the way you like them Richard, why not indeed.
So, I believe it is your place, nay, your responsibility, to sufficiently mock Mr. Hammond for his soggy “just how you like it” performance in this advertisment the next time you are filming Top Gear. He can’t possibly get away with it scott free, though I suppose from his perspective he probably gets more money for advertising the stores than he does from opening them…
I leave it to you Mr. Clarkson, do us proud.
On another note, I have an idea for a Top Gear challenge – perhaps something for Top Gear Stuntman to attempt? Anyway, the trick goes like this: You know how a formula 1 car has so much downforce thanks to its cleverly engineered bodywork and spoilers and whatnot that it sticks to the road like a formula 1 car? Well, what if you were to drive it upside down? Bear with me. I think the speed you would need to go for it to have enough downforce (or upforce) to make it stick to the ceiling is about 90mph. What if some cleverly engineered structure were built whereby a ramp twists until it is upside down, stays that way for a bit, then twists back to flat again. Try to keep up with the technical terminology.
It would be like James’s attempt at that famous Bond stunt a few weeks ago, only better (probably worth getting an actual maths person to work out the sums this time though). You would have to hit the ramp at a fair old speed, and keep it stable whilst twisting, and then keep the speed up so it stayed upside down for a prolonged period, and then get down again without being obliterated into a million tiny exploding pieces, so I’m not saying it would be easy, or safe, but how cool would that be??? Of course if it did go wrong not only would you need to find a new Top Gear Stuntman, but you’d have to explain to whoever’s formula 1 car it was why you’ve flattened it. Perhaps you could find one that belongs to an American? High risks, high rewards – just like the glory days eh Jeremy?!
So there you go, you can have that one for free. I’ve also attached a picture of a road sign in fitting with your current campaign, though I’m not entirely convinced its real. May I suggest all Welsh road signs as unnecessary and in many ways dangerous: how many motorists have lost their lives trying to work out the anagrams at the bottom of the signs underneath the real words? All those jumbled up letters must baffle and distract drivers to the point where they just give up and drive off the road voluntarily.
While I have your attention: Can I have a go round your track*? Can I be a presenter on the show*? Can I be The Stig*? Can I just hang around the studio playing with the cars*? Any chance of some free tickets to the show*? (just getting the obvious questions out of the way)
Big fan of the show etc.
Jim
(* assume to be the universal symbol of pleading/grovelling)