I’m in a position at work where I get sent lots and lots of CV’s from people who see one of our adverts for remote telemarketing work online, i.e. people who want to work from home. I get about 30 a day come through by e-mail, and so get to see a wide variety of people with mixed levels of experience applying. Some candidates put a very convincing case across – a short and to the point cover e-mail with a well presented and punchy CV attached containing easily absorbed and relevant information about their education and work experience. Some people, however, write pages and pages about how much this role means to them and about how I would be making the right decision by employing them because they have good time keeping skills and once worked in a petrol garage. Its hilarious what some of these people write. I’m actually looking at a few CV’s now that I’ve received within the last 5 minutes, and in one of them a young lady named Charlotte has listed “powering up and closing down PC’s” under “Technical Skills”. Brilliant.
My favourite part is the personal statement that leads into the document - some of the nonsense people write about themselves is sometimes breathtaking. Talk about flowering up your language to make yourself sound more impressive. People are always enthusiastic, professional, dynamic, hard working, outgoing, friendly, adaptable, conscientious, practical, identical and ambitious. They are quick to grasp new ideas and concepts, to develop innovative and creative solutions to problems, and to use their intelligence and initiative to meet the tightest of deadlines. They have good administrative and organizational skills, they can work independently or as part of a team and cannot be killed by conventional weapons. Some of them make no sense at all: “I’m the kind of person who like to leave people happy also reliable, correspondent to time of work” or my personal favourite “Team skills in group communication and working, which helped me to prepare organizing and motivation a job for my future position”. Utter gibberish.
I love the work experience section as well, you can always tell when someone’s got fuck all work experience because they’ll put anything and everything down under their responsibilities. Things like using the fax, sending e-mails or switching on the computer. People who work in shops always list working at the counter as an admirable skill, as well as stock distribution and good customer service. Everyone seems to think that they are the single greatest customer service representative since Arkwright. I’ll give you some examples and let you make your own minds up:
9th July 2007- 14th July 2007
Wire Belt Company: Administrator
Document filling
Phone calls to customer
Using fax
Sending emails
Franking
Producing documents for the company
Doing health checks
Internal/external post
Making tea and coffees
Working together
Meeting new people
‘Meeting new people’ is always a desperate scrabble for content. Here’s a cover letter I was sent:
“Today I have read a fantastic advert on ** from ** Ltd for sales savvy people and I am one the sales savvy looking for right opportunity at present time in telesales - direct sales. Having more than 2 years of telesales(direct sales) experience makes me suitable for this telemarketing role in your organisation so why not I should take an opportunity to apply for the same post. Well for more details about strong work experience in sales please find a detailed CV here in Ms-word. I am confident to grab the movement of personal interview and rest will be done to explore my skills and experience which are relevant for this role.”
Why not indeed. I’m loving this, I’ll let the CV’s speak for themselves from now on. Here’s a great description of someone’s technical skills:
"Technical. Gained most wide of range of using different kind of opportunities for my course BTEC in Business Management and continued to get for my Business degree in Southampton Solent University, for my par time position in Marketing company, where I could achievement very big progress, working super warmly environment even these short academic period temporary position."
Someone else on teamwork:
“According to previous work experience got good inter-personal co-ordination skill. Having good communications skill to communicate within team and top management. Previous experience improved work efficiency to work under pressure and complete given task within deadlines. I feel that these experiences have enabled me to provide the level of work efficiency on various backgrounds”
The hobbies/other interests section is always fun:
“In my spare time I enjoy reading and socializing. I love singing and dancing. when I’m older I would like to become an magazine editor, I read books such as “don’t tell mummy”. I like using the computer and creating documents and playing games.”
However, as much fun as the CV itself is, the all time greatest communication I have ever received was from an unfortunate young man named Saqib from Karachi, Pakistan, who would later expect us to pay for his travel and visa so he could be a telemarketer here in the UK, but first, we got the following introduction letter:
Attn: Human Resource Department.
To: Manager HR/ Admin Dept
Dear Sir,
I am inviting your kind attention to the following few lines for consideration. I have come to know that some posts are vacant relevant to my experience and qualification. I have 4 years of working experience and I am young , energetic and achievement oriented person. I am ready to accept the challenges of the practical life. So; I hope you will allow me a chance to serve your prestigious organization.
My Resume is enclosed for your kind perusal. As per ritual of your prestigious organization, I believe you will respond positively to me soon . I am available on ***, to answer any query and provide further information.
Looking forward to a positive response
Your contribution in my career will be highly valued.
Yours truly,
Personally I’ve never thought of my organisation as particularly prestigious, but its nice to hear from time to time. Anyway, I’ve amused myself at the expense of these poor, stupid people for long enough I think, I should really draw a close to all this wanton mockery. Hope you’ve enjoyed this little cross section of the joy I experience every day, and I’d even go so far as to suggest making up a job, putting it on gumtree and telling people to e-mail you their CV’s so you can have a jolly good laugh at them – its really good fun.
Later peeps
J