JanDim

Dear Mr. Clarkson,

I believe it is my duty as a Top Gear fan to write this letter to you, having recently witnessed an appalling advert on the telly for some retail establishment or other (one of the budget ones that sells beans for less than their carrier bags) - starring none other than your very own Richard Hammond. Have you seen it? Mr. Hammond appears to be pushing a trolley around the supermarket, and yet through the power of camera jiggery-pokery and modern day special effects we then see him and said trolley in such delightful and amusing scenarios as flying in a glider or perching atop bails of hay that are being dragged around by a tractor. It really is wonderful and wholesome and uncommonly cheesy. Why should you not have your lamb chops cut just the way you like them Richard, why not indeed.

So, I believe it is your place, nay, your responsibility, to sufficiently mock Mr. Hammond for his soggy “just how you like it” performance in this advertisment the next time you are filming Top Gear. He can’t possibly get away with it scott free, though I suppose from his perspective he probably gets more money for advertising the stores than he does from opening them…

I leave it to you Mr. Clarkson, do us proud.

On another note, I have an idea for a Top Gear challenge – perhaps something for Top Gear Stuntman to attempt? Anyway, the trick goes like this: You know how a formula 1 car has so much downforce thanks to its cleverly engineered bodywork and spoilers and whatnot that it sticks to the road like a formula 1 car? Well, what if you were to drive it upside down? Bear with me. I think the speed you would need to go for it to have enough downforce (or upforce) to make it stick to the ceiling is about 90mph. What if some cleverly engineered structure were built whereby a ramp twists until it is upside down, stays that way for a bit, then twists back to flat again. Try to keep up with the technical terminology.

It would be like James’s attempt at that famous Bond stunt a few weeks ago, only better (probably worth getting an actual maths person to work out the sums this time though). You would have to hit the ramp at a fair old speed, and keep it stable whilst twisting, and then keep the speed up so it stayed upside down for a prolonged period, and then get down again without being obliterated into a million tiny exploding pieces, so I’m not saying it would be easy, or safe, but how cool would that be??? Of course if it did go wrong not only would you need to find a new Top Gear Stuntman, but you’d have to explain to whoever’s formula 1 car it was why you’ve flattened it. Perhaps you could find one that belongs to an American? High risks, high rewards – just like the glory days eh Jeremy?!

So there you go, you can have that one for free. I’ve also attached a picture of a road sign in fitting with your current campaign, though I’m not entirely convinced its real. May I suggest all Welsh road signs as unnecessary and in many ways dangerous: how many motorists have lost their lives trying to work out the anagrams at the bottom of the signs underneath the real words? All those jumbled up letters must baffle and distract drivers to the point where they just give up and drive off the road voluntarily.

While I have your attention: Can I have a go round your track*? Can I be a presenter on the show*? Can I be The Stig*? Can I just hang around the studio playing with the cars*? Any chance of some free tickets to the show*? (just getting the obvious questions out of the way)

Big fan of the show etc.

Jim

(* assume to be the universal symbol of pleading/grovelling)

Making the most of it

Buying in qualified, warm data can be a great way to generate new business – you can tailor it to your own business model, choose where you want to target businesses, build rapport with your customers from an early stage and measure your return on investment with clarity and ease. However, you need to make sure you’re getting a good return from it.

Here at Logic we don’t assume to know more than anyone when it comes to selling mobile phones, so we are not going to attempt to teach you how to do it. However, for the last three years we have been using our database to book thousands of qualified appointments for B2B mobile dealers - and we’re getting pretty good at it. We book hundreds of appointments every month, supplying over 30 dealers nationwide and so far have generated new business opportunities to the equivalent of over 190,000 connections.

Based on our experiences we have written this brief guide to help you make the most of any data you purchase from us, and maximize your return on investment – after all, if you’re making money from our data then its likely you’ll buy more.

Building an effective pipeline

When buying data, the first thing we suggest is to look at your long term pipeline and buy data further in advance then you might normally, especially with the larger companies. We appreciate that you may want businesses that are renewing within the next 3 months so that you can get a quick turnaround on the deals and get those commissions in, however, you will have a much higher conversion rate if you get your foot in the door a little earlier.

By this we mean buying data with expiry dates as far as 6 months in advance. By doing this you can start calling companies long before the competition or the networks do, start building rapport, maybe even sell them some smaller products like data cards or car kits to warm up the relationship. By the time it comes to them looking to renew their mobile contract you’re already a company they are aware of and you’re more likely to win their business. This will involve more work from your sales guys making more calls, and it will take longer to see a ROI from your data, but your conversion rate from it will be much higher.

To compliment this, we can also sell you a proportion of data with expiry dates sooner, just so that you have some deals to close quickly and create a shorter term pipeline. For these we recommend smaller companies that are less likely to have been approached by other dealers or by the networks and are more likely to make a quick decision.

Testing the water

We’re always happy to do trials with our data so that you can test the accuracy and how profitable it is before you commit to larger numbers. We do have some suggestions for how you go about this:

Firstly, trialing anything less than 100 records is a complete waste of time – you just won’t get a good impression of how the data will work for you. You need to see what percentage of the leads you are going to turn into appointments or into sales, so the more data you test the better.

Second, when you do test the data you need to give it to your best sales people so that they can set the benchmark for what’s achievable.

Thirdly, if a percentage of the companies have already renewed their contracts then that isn’t the end of the world – let us know and we will work with you to replace a certain amount of that data with expiry dates further down the line.

A data trial is all about tweaking what we generate for you to make it as effective as possible.

What to buy

We understand that most dealers will have an ideal range of connections they like to deal with; some will want to target the smaller companies (e.g. 3 -50 connections), some the larger (e.g. 50-500 connections). However, if you put these restrictions on the data we provide then it is going to be more expensive to buy.

This is because we only sell data once, giving you complete exclusivity, and so if you buy the ‘cream’, then we still have to find a dealer willing to buy what you don’t, and we have to make our money from somewhere. If you will accept the whole range of data (3+ connections) then we can give you a much better price. We can also bring the price down if you are willing to buy large volumes, in a wide range of areas and are willing to commit to a contracted length of 3, 6 or 12 months.

Buying the whole range will allow you to build a balanced pipeline of short, medium and long term prospects – the smaller companies will give you a quick turnaround, while the larger companies will take longer to close but will yield greater profits. If you can get in to these companies early enough then you can give yourself a much stronger chance of competing with the networks based on the rapport you have built with the company from an early stage.

Statistically we estimate that around 70-80% of the data will be in the 5-50 handset bracket anyway.

Carrying on from my last blog, I will continue with the work theme.

As we know I work for a rather liberal and very well respected newspaper. As such I am endlessly supported with group activities that help nurcher, invigorate and energise me as an employee.

One of these tasks I gladly took up yesterday, was a day in a think tank! My enthusiasm was somewhat marred as this was disappointingly not a tank I can control with my mind and use to invade France, but a day discussing the future of the company and how we as individuals can realise its potential, make our lives richer, happier, whilst practicing good work life balance (photo copier v.s muesli consumption) in the process.

Sitting back in the large circle of chairs, faced with an array of my fellow sandal wearing, comb dodging yogurt knitting colleagues, I settled into my Wednesday with high hopes and unbridled enthusiasm of the tasks ahead! Being already well versed in such proceedings, I knew my day would consist of massaging and motivating a host of lovely liberal leftie ideas, ideals, and inspirations! I was in my element! We discussed the impending doom of recession, how we could save the economy with a hard and fast Yoga work out.. why Gordon is fucked.. who the MD would invite to dinner, dead, alive or fictional, And then, we got down to the good stuff!

Our illustrious leader raised from his chair to tell us “right we are now going to discuss Hot spots” at which with the lightening speed of a tourette stricken Barrymore, I blurted out.. “what’s a hot spot not” which received the loving reply from the group.. “a good spot” this was a good start.

From here we were tasked to come up with ideas. Not just any ideas but ideas from the very depths of our biodegradable, recyclable, allotment loving souls! The following is an idea that I was actually a part of, and one of which I am extremely proud to call myself a tiny cog of, and to think of as a large world changing machine!

We were split into small groups, divided and conquered with the view to get down and dirty in the understanding of the fluffy underbelly of a mountain goat world that makes up the fabric of our organisation. The title of our task was quite simple “Imagine if!!” After much debate, and me being told to shut up about marketing my show, we stretched ourselves into the ether, and pushed into the hot humid afternoon with hope radiating from our hearts, a glint in our eye and thoughts being transmitted from our hair as if they were aerials! Our auras were startling!!

The title of our response was earth shattering! “I child.. I learn” It was becoming increasing clear that some of my colleagues had been smoking far too many josh sticks over lunch which meant our take on “I think therefore I am” had come out a little squew wiff, but none the less the incense high had left them with a view to saving the world, starting with its children!! I was inspired!

The plan being that every child in the world gets a laptop (now just stop and think of the scale of such a task!!! China for instance fair few kiddie winks over there!!) each lap top would hold my companies learning programme which would be updated be downloadable, and probably at some point involve bookface.(Its actually a very comprehensive package which I can't write too much about) enabling us to teach the future of tomorrow!! We very nearly stood up and sang “we are the world.. we are the children” .. it was a tear jerking moment.

As the rest of the larger group imagined what it would be like if everyone made mini allotments in their hair and provided underprivileged children its fruit and carrots in place of turkey twizzlers for school dinners, my group prepared to announce our plans of world domination! Flip chats flipped, marker pens marked, and then we delivered!! Needless to say the entire company loved it, and we rode high on the intoxicating rush of saving the world through well thought out heartfelt gibberish

(there was also something about us launching a TV channel, which in fairness was actually a sensible idea, but I wasn't a part of that so have snubbed it from my mind)

As the dust settles and Thursday draws into the afternoon comedown, I am rather pleased that I can sit in my comfy, well positioned, health and safety conscious, back supporting chair and realise the dream / vision, that soon the entire world's children will be gently brainwashed/shampooed by my lovely liberal organisation, much like a piper in long slippers dancing his way across the globe peddling his liberal thoughts of excellence, with a chain of children dancing in earnest.

I have requested we start in Romford!

Buy stocks in sandals People!! The revolution is coming!!

I’m in a position at work where I get sent lots and lots of CV’s from people who see one of our adverts for remote telemarketing work online, i.e. people who want to work from home. I get about 30 a day come through by e-mail, and so get to see a wide variety of people with mixed levels of experience applying. Some candidates put a very convincing case across – a short and to the point cover e-mail with a well presented and punchy CV attached containing easily absorbed and relevant information about their education and work experience. Some people, however, write pages and pages about how much this role means to them and about how I would be making the right decision by employing them because they have good time keeping skills and once worked in a petrol garage. Its hilarious what some of these people write. I’m actually looking at a few CV’s now that I’ve received within the last 5 minutes, and in one of them a young lady named Charlotte has listed “powering up and closing down PC’s” under “Technical Skills”. Brilliant.

My favourite part is the personal statement that leads into the document - some of the nonsense people write about themselves is sometimes breathtaking. Talk about flowering up your language to make yourself sound more impressive. People are always enthusiastic, professional, dynamic, hard working, outgoing, friendly, adaptable, conscientious, practical, identical and ambitious. They are quick to grasp new ideas and concepts, to develop innovative and creative solutions to problems, and to use their intelligence and initiative to meet the tightest of deadlines. They have good administrative and organizational skills, they can work independently or as part of a team and cannot be killed by conventional weapons. Some of them make no sense at all: “I’m the kind of person who like to leave people happy also reliable, correspondent to time of work” or my personal favourite “Team skills in group communication and working, which helped me to prepare organizing and motivation a job for my future position”. Utter gibberish.

I love the work experience section as well, you can always tell when someone’s got fuck all work experience because they’ll put anything and everything down under their responsibilities. Things like using the fax, sending e-mails or switching on the computer. People who work in shops always list working at the counter as an admirable skill, as well as stock distribution and good customer service. Everyone seems to think that they are the single greatest customer service representative since Arkwright. I’ll give you some examples and let you make your own minds up:

9th July 2007- 14th July 2007
Wire Belt Company: Administrator
 Document filling
 Phone calls to customer
 Using fax
 Sending emails
 Franking
 Producing documents for the company
 Doing health checks
 Internal/external post
 Making tea and coffees
 Working together
 Meeting new people

‘Meeting new people’ is always a desperate scrabble for content. Here’s a cover letter I was sent:
“Today I have read a fantastic advert on ** from ** Ltd for sales savvy people and I am one the sales savvy looking for right opportunity at present time in telesales - direct sales. Having more than 2 years of telesales(direct sales) experience makes me suitable for this telemarketing role in your organisation so why not I should take an opportunity to apply for the same post. Well for more details about strong work experience in sales please find a detailed CV here in Ms-word. I am confident to grab the movement of personal interview and rest will be done to explore my skills and experience which are relevant for this role.”
Why not indeed. I’m loving this, I’ll let the CV’s speak for themselves from now on. Here’s a great description of someone’s technical skills:

"Technical. Gained most wide of range of using different kind of opportunities for my course BTEC in Business Management and continued to get for my Business degree in Southampton Solent University, for my par time position in Marketing company, where I could achievement very big progress, working super warmly environment even these short academic period temporary position."

Someone else on teamwork:

“According to previous work experience got good inter-personal co-ordination skill. Having good communications skill to communicate within team and top management. Previous experience improved work efficiency to work under pressure and complete given task within deadlines. I feel that these experiences have enabled me to provide the level of work efficiency on various backgrounds”

The hobbies/other interests section is always fun:

“In my spare time I enjoy reading and socializing. I love singing and dancing. when I’m older I would like to become an magazine editor, I read books such as “don’t tell mummy”. I like using the computer and creating documents and playing games.”

However, as much fun as the CV itself is, the all time greatest communication I have ever received was from an unfortunate young man named Saqib from Karachi, Pakistan, who would later expect us to pay for his travel and visa so he could be a telemarketer here in the UK, but first, we got the following introduction letter:

Attn: Human Resource Department.
To: Manager HR/ Admin Dept

Dear Sir,
I am inviting your kind attention to the following few lines for consideration. I have come to know that some posts are vacant relevant to my experience and qualification. I have 4 years of working experience and I am young , energetic and achievement oriented person. I am ready to accept the challenges of the practical life. So; I hope you will allow me a chance to serve your prestigious organization.

My Resume is enclosed for your kind perusal. As per ritual of your prestigious organization, I believe you will respond positively to me soon . I am available on ***, to answer any query and provide further information.

Looking forward to a positive response
Your contribution in my career will be highly valued.
Yours truly,

Personally I’ve never thought of my organisation as particularly prestigious, but its nice to hear from time to time. Anyway, I’ve amused myself at the expense of these poor, stupid people for long enough I think, I should really draw a close to all this wanton mockery. Hope you’ve enjoyed this little cross section of the joy I experience every day, and I’d even go so far as to suggest making up a job, putting it on gumtree and telling people to e-mail you their CV’s so you can have a jolly good laugh at them – its really good fun.

Later peeps

J